Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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