It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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