The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
