Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
