My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
