Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
