He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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