Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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