Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
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