The maid of honor just puked.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
