I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Randomize
