Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize