just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
