6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
