Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
That's when you crack a 10am beer
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
