youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
