I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
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