my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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