his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
i think my cat just said my name.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
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