hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
