You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Randomize
