I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
My penis needs a shock collar
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
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