have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
He passed out mid-signature
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Randomize
