I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
