There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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