Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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