Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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