You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
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