My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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