dude i'm inner monologue high
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
