12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
