Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
