just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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