Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
