Swine flu. Run for my life!
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
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