Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
