At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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