i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
