Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
