my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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