he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
