God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
two words: eviction party
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
