Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
