i jhust puked up my retainher.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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