He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize