i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
