Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
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