You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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