Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
