1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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