I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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