I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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