I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Randomize
