I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
