anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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