I wanna bring you to show and tell
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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