I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
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