weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize