i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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