I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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