it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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