i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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