I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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