Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
whose ass print is on the piano?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Randomize
