I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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