I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
