apparently the secret to your success is patron
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize