Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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